There are moments when clients come in and I don’t even feel them.
Honestly. They pull me, they move, they moan, they thrust, they swell, they empty themselves, but I’m not there.
My body is on the bed, but I’m in my head.
And in my head, it’s a different fuck. A different world. A different cock.
I fuck with my mind harder than any man has ever fucked me.
It doesn’t matter how big, how hard, how hungry he is.
If he doesn’t touch me in my mind, I feel nothing.
If he doesn’t split my brain in two, his dick might as well break my bed, it’s useless.
I look at him, I smile, I play the part, but I’m already gone.
In my fantasy. In my lust. In my movie.
I have sick fantasies.
Fantasies that even I am sometimes ashamed of.
But I still want them.
The idea excites me more than the act.
I get turned on when I imagine myself in situations that I can’t even say out loud.
But in my mind, I’ve done them a thousand times.
There are days when I sit naked after work and don’t even touch myself.
I just stare at the ceiling and go through all the positions, all the strangers, all the men who fucked me and whom I turned into something else in my mind.
I changed their voices, their smell, their aggressiveness.
I remade them in my mind the way I needed them to be.
I’ve been fucking with my mind since I was little and had no idea what I was doing.
I would look at men and undress them in my head.
I would put them on top of me in my mind.
I didn’t know them, I didn’t touch them, but I still felt something between my legs.
Now it’s even worse.
Sometimes I don’t even need them physically.
I just see them. A glance. A voice. A hand. An attitude.
And the movie starts.
I go. I fuck myself in my mind like I’m possessed.
And yes, sometimes I get home, get into bed, and put my hand in my panties, but that’s not what it’s about.
It’s not about orgasm, it’s not about finishing.
It’s about the vibe. It’s about how I fuck myself.
Reality is one thing.
Good, bad, whatever.
But the fucking in my head beats everything.
No man will ever give me what I give myself in my mind.
That’s why I say:
I fuck with my mind, not with my body.
The body gets tired, sweats, gets hurt.
But my head? My head is in heat non-stop.
I can’t get cock out of my mind.
Ever.
Ma fut cu mintea, nu cu corpul
Sunt momente cand intra clienti si nici nu-i simt.
Sincer. Trag de mine, se misca, gem, se baga, se umfla, se golesc, dar eu nu-s acolo.
Trupul meu e pe pat, dar eu sunt in capul meu.
Si in capul meu, e alta futere. Alta lume. Alta pula.
Ma fut cu mintea mai tare decat m-a futut vreun barbat vreodata.
Nu conteaza cat e de mare, de tare, de flamand.
Daca nu ma atinge in gand, nu simt nimic.
Daca nu-mi sparge creierul in doua, pula lui poate sa-mi rupa si patul ca tot degeaba.
Ma uit la el, zambesc, joc rolul, dar eu deja m-am dus.
In fanteza. In pofta mea. In filmul meu.
Am fantezii bolnave.
Fantezii de care mi-e rusine si mie cateodata.
Dar tot le vreau.
Ma excita ideea mai mult decat actul.
Ma aprind cand ma imaginez eu pe mine in situatii pe care nici nu pot sa le zic cu voce tare.
Dar in minte, le-am facut de mii de ori.
Sunt zile cand stau goala, dupa program, si nici nu ma ating.
Stau doar cu ochii pe tavan si imi trec prin cap toate pozitiile, toti strainii, toti barbatii care m-au futut si pe care i-am transformat in altceva in gand.
Le-am schimbat vocile, mirosul, agresivitatea.
I-am refacut in mintea mea asa cum aveam nevoie.
Ma fut cu mintea de cand eram mica si habar n-aveam ce fac.
Ma uitam la barbati si ii dezbracam in cap.
Ii puneam peste mine in gand.
Nu-i stiam, nu-i atingeam, dar tot simteam ceva intre picioare.
Acum, e si mai rau.
Nici nu mai am nevoie de ei fizic, uneori.
Doar ii vad. O privire. O voce. O mana. O atitudine.
Si deja incepe filmul.
Ma duc. Ma fut in mintea mea de zici ca sunt posedata.
Si da, uneori ajung acasa, ma bag in pat si-mi bag mana in chiloti, dar nici nu e despre asta.
Nici despre orgasm, nici despre terminat.
E despre vibe. Despre cum ma fut eu cu mine.
Realitatea e una.
Buna, rea, cum e.
Dar futerea din capul meu bate tot.
Niciun barbat n-o sa-mi dea vreodata ce-mi dau eu in mintea mea.
De-aia zic:
ma fut cu mintea, nu cu corpul.
Corpul oboseste, transpira, se raneste.
Dar capul meu? Capul meu e in calduri non-stop.
Pula nu-mi iese din gand.
Niciodata.